...knocking the negative nelly in me...

and no, i'm not talking about nelly the rapper (which reminds me -where did that guy and his bandaid go????).. i'm talking about the little me that lives inside of me that is full of negative energy/thoughts/actions/words. i seriously need to squash that little person.

this person was brought to my attention last weekend by my lovely 17 year old nephew. i was having a fun day, but then i started to get grumpy by activities/things happening at my brother's house. i told my nephew that i wanted to go, and he dragged his feet. then suddenly, he was super anxious to go, and when i mentioned that he had changed his tune, he said "well, you're getting really negative, and when you get negative at my house it always gets really bad."...

Umm. awkward. what do you say to that?

i didn't know what to say. i felt shamed. my mind was racing - is he serious? was it true? what had just happened? where were my keys?

it was all happening very fast and i could feel my face flushing. so what did i do? i barely talked to him on the trip back to my house and back to his. i didn't talk to him about it, address it or anything. i just fumed and stewed about it for the next 20 minutes and for the rest of the night.

was it true? was i really so negative?

i was so upset with him for saying that to me... or so i thought.

but as i really listened to myself, and felt my reaction, i realized that i was angry with myself. because it was true. i can be a highly negative person, and i hate that. i don't mean to be, and even when i tell myself not to be, i still am to some extent. old habits die hard - so this one is dying like a concrete wall. i hate it!! (see? negative again!)

one aspect of my negative nelly-ness that i have been noticing a lot lately is negative thoughts about myself. don't get me wrong, i know that i have been negative about myself for a long time, i realize this. i don't always love myself. i think that i'm too chubby, too loud, don't look good in my clothes, am too annoying, etc... those are occasional thoughts in my brain. but i have noticed that my negative nelly gets really uncomfortable when people give me compliments.

it's not that i have never had them and don't know what to do with them - it's not that at all. i have had my share of compliments, and some i accept graciously because i know that i deserve them. but i've noticed now that when somebody compliments my outer appearance, or calls me pretty or anything like that, i get really weird... and i don't know how to handle it. i know it's because of my self esteem and the good old negative nelly, but i don't know what to DO about it. i can tell myself to accept it and take it sweetly, but it's hard to take it when you don't believe it.

i don't want anyone to think that i'm a total debbie downer who hates myself - that's not so. everyone has things that they want to work on in their lives, and things that they don't like about themselves, so i'm not out of the norm here. i just get a little fidgety when i'm called "cutie" or "beautiful".

ugh. i hate how i sound reading this, but whatever - it's how i feel.

the point is that my nephew called me negative. the point is that instead of owning it and realizing it and changing it about myself, i chose to be annoyed at him for pointing it out. and it made me feel even crappier. so now what do i need to do?

OWN IT. own the fact that i have things to work on and get over, and start working on them and getting over them. i shall now embark upon a quest of turning my negative nelly into a positive patricia... updates to come. :)

i will start now by saying something that i love about myself: i love my sense of humor, and i love how i look in these leggings that i am wearing.

see? off to a grand start! :)

... waiting and wondering (aka scared to death)

... I'm scared.

but hopefully within two hours I will know if I am in the clear.

If you have been following along, you can see that I have had car drama. Last Wednesday I got an amazing car - the perfect car for me. I fell in love with it. And tonight we find out if our deal fully went through and sign the final paperwork. My mom is stressed. I am stressed. I am afraid that we will walk in and one of two things will happen:

a.) They will say we aren't approved and take my amazing car away.
b.) They will say that my payments are actually going to be much higher than we agreed on.

I can't handle either of the two. But if the first happens, it happens. And my mom and I have decided to take a break from car drama and make do for now. Because it's taking a toll on us and I'm afraid every day something will happen.

If the second happens, I just can't do it. I can't afford it. I am roommate-less right now, which is great, but financially not great. I need someone who isn't around a lot. I don't like living with people anymore I've decided but my bank account needs it.

Money is my constant worry and I hate it. So I need to just lay it all on God and stop stressing about it. For me, though, easier said than done.

So tonight, God, I ask (as I have been doing all week, and all day today) that things go well. That I leave happy, with my car, and knowing that it will work out month to month. I pray you into every single detail of the transaction, and every single detail of my financial fears. Keep me strong. Keep my mom strong.

I'm scared. But we will know soon enough. God knows - I just wish that he would give me a teaser.

... i take it back ...

Not that God is good, because he is. But the car thing. I must say that I hate Courtesy Ford. Hate them.

They are jerks and have taken back my awesome car. I am going elsewhere tonight.

Just had to share that. I'm grumpy, but by the grace of God, it will work out.

Right, God? Right? Please?

...oh, how he loves...

you may have noticed (I say this like i have people who read this consistently) my post yesterday. i was struggling. i was upset. i was pissed, frankly. and i didn't know what to do. i was pleading with God to fix things for me. my car died yesterday and i didn't know what to do. so i confessed that to Him all day.

i decided to be proactive and go look at cars. i told them my story, told them my situation, and by the time i left last night i had a good car. one not old, one that worked, one that was dependable. and as i was waiting to find out if i would be approved, i kept saying to God "please let it work out if you want it to work out."

and it worked out.

last night, as i was returning the church van to the church, i stared to tear up a little bit by the majesty and hugeness of the situation. and i just kept thanking God over and over again for making it work. and apologized for doubting him. and thanking him for having a support mother, a helpful brother who loves me and comes through when i need him, and for giving me people who had me in their prayers about the situation.

and best of all? keyless entry, a CD player, and a driver's window that rolls down. you laugh about this, but these are all things that my previous car did not have. so there!

praise God. :) amen!

... help? please? ...

dear god...

i am petitioning for your help. please please please help me...

as i stared at the altar a few minutes ago, i found myself saying over and over again "i don't know what to do, i don't know what to do, i don't know what to do."

i don't know what to do. but you do. so please, even though i can't ask you to do it for me, show me what i need to do to accomplish it.

please please guide me through this, and have things come out all right in the end.

i feel like whenever something goes well, something else goes wrong. twice.

i know things could be worse. i have my health, and my family, and my friends. and i have many things that others in this world don't even dream of having.

and yes, this is about money, and finances, and life, and love. as always.

but please, god. i am pleading with you....

i don't know what to do. show me what to do. nudge me in the right direction. calm my spirit and my mind so that i may hear your will and plan for me.

and if you could do it with a cookie, that would be even better.

waiting for your direction,
mandy d. harter
(the one responsible for a pool of oil on the freeway.)

...tell me all your thoughts on God...

it's been awhile since I have just plunked myself down and written out my thoughts. and to be honest, i haven't had much swirling around in the recent past in regards to deep thought in which to unleash on the world (aka my three readers). but i had a conversation with one of my best friends the other day, and some thoughts began to surface. so i will use this as my platform to kill two birds with one stone - to share my thoughts with him, and to share my thoughts with you who may care to hear them!

this friend and i had a conversation the other night... and it had been awhile since we had talked, or been able to connect. and it seems that he is feeling like his life is coming undone at the seams. job, people, all sorts of things just seemed to be out of sync. i told him after he talked for awhile that it just seems to feel like the people of the world lately are off. and it's true - i do feel that way. i know that personally, my thoughts and feelings and actions have been so up and down i'm afraid that i might get motion sickness. one minute i'm doing fine, and am happy and content, and it will take one little tiny parasitic thought to throw me back into the fire again. what is happening? is it because i'm a girl, and have to deal with girl things, and girl emotions? well, i'm sure that is part of it. but it's not the whole kit and caboodle - this isn't just happening to girls. it's happening to everyone i encounter. i feel like even though people who i could pin down quite easily have lately been freakishly hard for me to read from one minute to the next.


so i shared this with him, although i don't know if it helped him at all. but for me it was helpful to know that it's spanning across states too - it isn't just my little corner of the world.


but why? why is everyone suddenly to cattywampus? what is happening to us?


i can only boil it down to fear. in the innermost core of every single human, there lies fear. and i'm not saying this because we are doing the study of Fearless at church right now... to be completely honest, i haven't fully connected with the study yet. but i know that for me, my innermost core is a tightly wound ball of fear which drives my every emotion. when i'm upset, it's fear that i will feel this way forever and never feel above water. when i'm happy, it's fear that the happy feeling won't last, or that something will burst my happy bubble. it's fear that i won't fit in, that i won't be liked or supported. it's fear that people will see me for who i am and take off, leaving me in the dust. and i don't think that i'm alone in this. it's a scary time for our country right now - and although we had some distractions like the olympics and major natural disasters - we still continue to fear the what if's. ugh. i hate the what ifs. but the are impossible to ignore, aren't they? what if a huge earthquake happens here? what if i lose my job? what if my friends stop liking me?


what if what if what if what if what if. blah blah blah. do you know what i say to those what ifs? what if we didn't have to listen to the stupid what ifs anymore? wishful thinking, i know. but it's finding a way to not buy into them that is the way to go - they will always, always surface, and we can't stop them. but it's finding a way to work with them that becomes the task.


and so, we are people afraid. and we will always be afraid unless we put our trust in things more whole-heartedly. this is something that i am trying to work on. trust in God, trust in other people, trust in ourselves. it's hard to do those things. and i think that's why we are becoming so erratic and unstable emotionally. we are trying too much to control ourselves, other people, our emotions. we are not just letting it take its natural course. it's the fighting that we do with ourselves on a minute to minute basis that makes us so up and down all of the time.


okay, i'm off that soapbox. although i may have fallen off at some point. bear with me.


and now, to my next point...

this friend that I speak of has been an amazing friend for a long time now. we were just talking awhile back about how crazy it is that we've been friends for so many years now. he is an amazing guy, and a wonderful friend. he has been the force behind getting me to do things that i never thought i was capable of, and encouraging me all the way. and a few years ago, this friend gave his life over to God. his reasons were noble, and filled with nothing but love and honor. and i saw the change in him as he went further and further into his relationship with God and the path that they walked together.

i sometimes find it hard to talk about God. i know, that's crazy, considering that i am a youth director and am essentially paid to talk about God. but ask me to explain my thoughts and feelings about God to another human being, face to face or even just voice to voice, and it's hard. it's even hard for me to type out, but it's easier. when it comes to intimate discussions about God, i get a little bit like a person afraid of blood around a skinned knee. if i walk away from it, i'm okay, but if i have to sit and stare at it- or heaven forbid TOUCH it - i get uncomfortable. why is that? i don't know. but i'm trying to get better about it. however, i found myself in this same predicament when i was on the phone with said friend last week. after telling me about how things in his world and people in his world seem to be acting strangly, and are a little off, he then said that he is struggling with God a little bit. so what did i do? i saw the skinned knee and i walked away - focusing more on the craziness of people in the world nowadays than one of the intimate and personal issues that he graced my ears with.

after getting off of the phone, i was flooded with things that i wanted to say to him. i was filled with amazing responses, and sweet things to say to make him feel better. but instead of picking up the phone and telling him voice to voice (in my defense, there was a time difference and he was going to sleep!), i sat and thought about it more. and in this instance, i think that it really helped. what do you do when someone that you love tells you that they feel like they have been having a one-sided conversation/relationship with God since they decided to embark on this great adventure of faith? listen. pray. think. encourage. just be there. help them to know that everyone has gone through the same thing, probably repeated times in their life.

and so i say this to you, dear friend, and to anyone who may be feeling as if they have been yammering on the phone to God for a few minutes until they realize that the call has been disconnected -- it's never one sided. your side is also God's side. you are not your own person anymore. God has taken over your heart and soul and mind and body - you are his creation, and his warrior. you are not talking to him with no response - you ARE Him. you were made in his own image, and therefore all of your thoughts/words/feelings/emotions do not fall on deaf ears. you cannot stand and look at yourself in a mirror without seeing your facial expressions, and seeing and hearing your mouth form words. you cannot get away from you. and in this way, you cannot get away from God.

now you may feel like saying "but Mandy - I seriously just don't feel like I have heard anything from God." and i counter with this point -why did you become a Christian in the first place? this is not said in a bratty, snarky tone - this is said at face value. think about it. you became a Christian. you gave your life over to Christ. obviously he has not been ignoring you all of this time. he whispered to you to surrender and fully rely on him, and you did. that brought you here. so you HAVE heard from God. you wouldn't be where you were right now if that wasn't the truth.

all of us experience that feeling of feeling like we don't matter. like our words are falling on deaf ears, or no ears at all. like everything that we do, for the person that we do it for, goes unnoticed. but how can it, when you continue to be able to live for God? we all know that our paths do not become smooth and clear when we begin our relationship with God. we aren't given a get out of suffering and chaos card. we have to endure along with everyone else in the world. but knowing that we are enduring for a higher power, and for a bigger picture makes it so worth it.

i say this to you, my amazing friend, who can make me laugh harder than those i know - through you, God reaches people. God speaks to you when you get on stage and make others laugh. God speaks to you and through you when dealing with crazy college students. God is with you as you struggle to find your next step on this moving escalator of life. He won't place your foot for you, but he will gently push you in the right direction. and you will know that even if you do something crazy and go in the other direction, he's going to love you and support you no matter what. God shines in everything that you do or say, even if you don't think that he does. and although you aren't getting texts and calls from him on a regular basis, just know that he is ALWAYS there. he is there through your family, through your friends, through the people that you work and improv with. so if you ever feel that you are in a one-sided relationship with him again, and you will, remember that just being IN a relationship with him is proof that it's not one-sided, has never been, and never will be.

i will leave you with one of my favorite worship songs that just popped into my head as i was writing this. it goes like this:

"your love is amazing, steady and unchanging, your love is a mountain, firm beneath my feet. your love is a mystery, how you gently lift me, when i am surrounded, your love carries me. hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, your love makes me sing."

this song is mindblowing enough at face value - a worship song dedicated to a God most high. but try, if you will, to picture our majestic God singing this song to YOU. picture it, if you can. the one who deserves all of our love and praise, feels the same way about what you do for Him.

you are God's song of praise. and he will never stop singing. and every day that you are alive, you are returning the favor. keep on singing....

...chasing - what, exactly?...

it's been some time, and i apologize for that. but please allow me the courtesy of straying from the previous format that i have been undergoing, and allow me to just... pour out the thoughts thatarejumbledintomybrainlikethisrightnow.


do you know that scene in the little rascals movie (love!) where the duck has a dollar tied to it, and the kids go scrambling after it? that's me right now. and i honestly just realized it. sad, isn't it? right in the middle of "i've got a dollar, i've got a dollar, i've got a dollar hey hey hey hey" song and dance routine - BAM! right upside the head. i'm chasing the stupidest stuff.


okay, it's not stupid. the things that i am craving and chasing like a madwoman are important things. but the faster i go towards them, the faster the duck goes running and the dollar goes with it. i used to think that i was standing still while others are moving. now i think that i'm moving at a weird and jerky motion while everyone else is smoothly gliding along.


it is no secret that i am so ridiculously desiring to be in love. i have been for a long time. never having been in love makes it even worse. some people say that it's better to never love than to have loved and lost, but at this point in the game, i think i'd go the opposite. i want to be in love so bad that i overthink everything in the romance department. i overanalyze, am too needy and pushy, and generally just annoy the crap out of myself and others. and i realized today, after sliding into a super weird funk, that i'm chasing love the totally wrong areas. i am chasing love in a place that i chased love in years ago. and if love didn't stop and let me catch up there and then, why would it do so now? maybe i'm thinking that it will just get tired and stop for a rest, and then BOOM! the dollar is mine. who knows? whatever i'm thinking, it's jumbled, and not right. my good friends keep telling me that someone is out there for me, and that he is amazing. and that is completely awesome to hear from them. but could he get here already? could he at least make himself known? if i am so great, then why hasn't he found me yet? i know, i know, that is the way life goes, and it will happen eventually... we all know that i'm not the most patient person, though. maybe this is god's way of putting that to the test. but honestly, god, if you keep messing with my patience, how am i going to know when it really ends up happening?


so that being said, i decided tonight that being blinded by feelings that i have had before, or think i have now, sucks. and i need to stop doing it. i've done it to myself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over (get it?) again throughout my entire life. and i don't want to do it anymore, because it just ends up with me being emo, and wishy washy, and allowing myself to see things with rose colored glasses.


so, if you're keeping count, we're not dealing with the flutter of a dollar bill anymore. that duck is jangling away with 3 quarters...



the next thing that i realized i'm chasing is not a bad thing. but the way that i'm handling it/reacting to it is a bad thing. as some of you (again, assuming i have readers!) know, about a year ago, i had lost almost 60 pounds. seeing that number written out makes me feel really, really proud. but at the same time, it makes me feel a little crappy because some of it is back. to date, i'm about 30 pounds down from where i began. and where i began was "i feel like crap about myself-ville." and although i'm not currently living there anymore, i will admit that i still keep a vacation home there. and i've found myself there a lot lately. so i'm getting myself back on track - which is good, yay! i went on a great walk tonight to get the party started, and then found myself sitting at a bus stop watching the world around me. suddenly, i realized that i was staring at a lamppost across the street. but staring at the lampost, i realized that it's great to want to feel great about yourself. but it's not great to make yourself feel like crap about yourself until you do something about it. case in point - i was walking along briskly, feeling good and super warm in my awesome danskin thermal layer shirt, and i suddenly thought about how i hate how i look when i walk quickly, and how if i only was skinnier blabbity bloobloobloobityblah... and because i started feeling badly, i started walking faster. when i realized this while watching the lamppost though (don't ask why a lamppost. it was there, and it was fascinating. see picture above for real, in the moment picture.), i stood up, and starting belting along with my ipod. i didn't care if there were other walkers, or if people had their windows down in their car. music is my happy place, and so i decided i'd much rather vacay in my happy place than in previously mentioned, worst vacation spot ever. and i decided that i need to start thinking more positively. i am who i am - god made me this way. and if i want to change anything, i have to do it, with my own permission and willpower, and with him. so while chasing my goals and physical fitness isn't a bad thing, i'm going to chase them in a much more positive way. i'm going to put in the effort on all accounts, and get myself back to where i was before, and even further. because i felt good, looked good, and was just damn proud of myself for accomplishing what i had.


that 50 cents is starting to sound a little piddly on the back of that duck, isn't it?


the next thing that i realized that i'm chasing is material CRAP. yes. crap. i desperately want/crave/"need"/desire something new all of the time. i want a brand new camera, when i have three awesome ones. i want a new, cute place to live, when i have an amazing apartment and (for the time being) a great roommate. i want a new this, i want a new that, same old same old. i decided tonight that i need to pay off the stuff that i have still hanging out there (tickets, les schwab bill), before i start craving shiny new things. and then my first priority is a car. i know i've said this before, but it has to happen. the she hulk is not going to be around much longer, at least in working condition, and i need to be smart before it's too late. so i'm trying to stop chasing the new and shiny, i guess. because i'm pretty darn okay with all that i have now, and i'd better stop being so darn unappreciative of it.


so i guess, if you must, you could say that these are my new year's resolutions. do not chase the things that i want, rather work steadily towards becoming a better person, and the things that i want/need will follow. if i need it, it will happen. if i work, it will be achieved. if i think i need it so badly, i will have to put in some effort. it's going to take a lot of work, but i think that 2010 is a good year for a lot of work.


... so the poor little duck is left with one measly quarter tied to its little tail. that hardly seems worth chasing after, doesn't it? i will just leave it alone. the duck can have it...


although that could get me a gumball... hmm...


love, love, love!