...piles of thought leaves...

...knocking the negative nelly in me...

2010-04-02T21:57:00.000-07:00

and no, i'm not talking about nelly the rapper (which reminds me -where did that guy and his bandaid go????).. i'm talking about the little me that lives inside of me that is full of negative energy/thoughts/actions/words. i seriously need to squash that little person.

this person was brought to my attention last weekend by my lovely 17 year old nephew. i was having a fun day, but then i started to get grumpy by activities/things happening at my brother's house. i told my nephew that i wanted to go, and he dragged his feet. then suddenly, he was super anxious to go, and when i mentioned that he had changed his tune, he said "well, you're getting really negative, and when you get negative at my house it always gets really bad."...

Umm. awkward. what do you say to that?

i didn't know what to say. i felt shamed. my mind was racing - is he serious? was it true? what had just happened? where were my keys?

it was all happening very fast and i could feel my face flushing. so what did i do? i barely talked to him on the trip back to my house and back to his. i didn't talk to him about it, address it or anything. i just fumed and stewed about it for the next 20 minutes and for the rest of the night.

was it true? was i really so negative?

i was so upset with him for saying that to me... or so i thought.

but as i really listened to myself, and felt my reaction, i realized that i was angry with myself. because it was true. i can be a highly negative person, and i hate that. i don't mean to be, and even when i tell myself not to be, i still am to some extent. old habits die hard - so this one is dying like a concrete wall. i hate it!! (see? negative again!)

one aspect of my negative nelly-ness that i have been noticing a lot lately is negative thoughts about myself. don't get me wrong, i know that i have been negative about myself for a long time, i realize this. i don't always love myself. i think that i'm too chubby, too loud, don't look good in my clothes, am too annoying, etc... those are occasional thoughts in my brain. but i have noticed that my negative nelly gets really uncomfortable when people give me compliments.

it's not that i have never had them and don't know what to do with them - it's not that at all. i have had my share of compliments, and some i accept graciously because i know that i deserve them. but i've noticed now that when somebody compliments my outer appearance, or calls me pretty or anything like that, i get really weird... and i don't know how to handle it. i know it's because of my self esteem and the good old negative nelly, but i don't know what to DO about it. i can tell myself to accept it and take it sweetly, but it's hard to take it when you don't believe it.

i don't want anyone to think that i'm a total debbie downer who hates myself - that's not so. everyone has things that they want to work on in their lives, and things that they don't like about themselves, so i'm not out of the norm here. i just get a little fidgety when i'm called "cutie" or "beautiful".

ugh. i hate how i sound reading this, but whatever - it's how i feel.

the point is that my nephew called me negative. the point is that instead of owning it and realizing it and changing it about myself, i chose to be annoyed at him for pointing it out. and it made me feel even crappier. so now what do i need to do?

OWN IT. own the fact that i have things to work on and get over, and start working on them and getting over them. i shall now embark upon a quest of turning my negative nelly into a positive patricia... updates to come. :)

i will start now by saying something that i love about myself: i love my sense of humor, and i love how i look in these leggings that i am wearing.

see? off to a grand start! :)

... waiting and wondering (aka scared to death)

2010-03-31T15:50:00.000-07:00

... I'm scared.

but hopefully within two hours I will know if I am in the clear.

If you have been following along, you can see that I have had car drama. Last Wednesday I got an amazing car - the perfect car for me. I fell in love with it. And tonight we find out if our deal fully went through and sign the final paperwork. My mom is stressed. I am stressed. I am afraid that we will walk in and one of two things will happen:

a.) They will say we aren't approved and take my amazing car away.
b.) They will say that my payments are actually going to be much higher than we agreed on.

I can't handle either of the two. But if the first happens, it happens. And my mom and I have decided to take a break from car drama and make do for now. Because it's taking a toll on us and I'm afraid every day something will happen.

If the second happens, I just can't do it. I can't afford it. I am roommate-less right now, which is great, but financially not great. I need someone who isn't around a lot. I don't like living with people anymore I've decided but my bank account needs it.

Money is my constant worry and I hate it. So I need to just lay it all on God and stop stressing about it. For me, though, easier said than done.

So tonight, God, I ask (as I have been doing all week, and all day today) that things go well. That I leave happy, with my car, and knowing that it will work out month to month. I pray you into every single detail of the transaction, and every single detail of my financial fears. Keep me strong. Keep my mom strong.

I'm scared. But we will know soon enough. God knows - I just wish that he would give me a teaser.

... i take it back ...

2010-03-24T16:43:00.000-07:00

Not that God is good, because he is. But the car thing. I must say that I hate Courtesy Ford. Hate them.

They are jerks and have taken back my awesome car. I am going elsewhere tonight.

Just had to share that. I'm grumpy, but by the grace of God, it will work out.

Right, God? Right? Please?

...oh, how he loves...

2010-03-19T16:33:00.000-07:00

you may have noticed (I say this like i have people who read this consistently) my post yesterday. i was struggling. i was upset. i was pissed, frankly. and i didn't know what to do. i was pleading with God to fix things for me. my car died yesterday and i didn't know what to do. so i confessed that to Him all day.

i decided to be proactive and go look at cars. i told them my story, told them my situation, and by the time i left last night i had a good car. one not old, one that worked, one that was dependable. and as i was waiting to find out if i would be approved, i kept saying to God "please let it work out if you want it to work out."

and it worked out.

last night, as i was returning the church van to the church, i stared to tear up a little bit by the majesty and hugeness of the situation. and i just kept thanking God over and over again for making it work. and apologized for doubting him. and thanking him for having a support mother, a helpful brother who loves me and comes through when i need him, and for giving me people who had me in their prayers about the situation.

and best of all? keyless entry, a CD player, and a driver's window that rolls down. you laugh about this, but these are all things that my previous car did not have. so there!

praise God. :) amen!

... help? please? ...

2010-03-18T12:41:00.000-07:00

dear god...

i am petitioning for your help. please please please help me...

as i stared at the altar a few minutes ago, i found myself saying over and over again "i don't know what to do, i don't know what to do, i don't know what to do."

i don't know what to do. but you do. so please, even though i can't ask you to do it for me, show me what i need to do to accomplish it.

please please guide me through this, and have things come out all right in the end.

i feel like whenever something goes well, something else goes wrong. twice.

i know things could be worse. i have my health, and my family, and my friends. and i have many things that others in this world don't even dream of having.

and yes, this is about money, and finances, and life, and love. as always.

but please, god. i am pleading with you....

i don't know what to do. show me what to do. nudge me in the right direction. calm my spirit and my mind so that i may hear your will and plan for me.

and if you could do it with a cookie, that would be even better.

waiting for your direction,
mandy d. harter
(the one responsible for a pool of oil on the freeway.)

...tell me all your thoughts on God...

2010-03-09T10:26:00.000-08:00

it's been awhile since I have just plunked myself down and written out my thoughts. and to be honest, i haven't had much swirling around in the recent past in regards to deep thought in which to unleash on the world (aka my three readers). but i had a conversation with one of my best friends the other day, and some thoughts began to surface. so i will use this as my platform to kill two birds with one stone - to share my thoughts with him, and to share my thoughts with you who may care to hear them!

this friend and i had a conversation the other night... and it had been awhile since we had talked, or been able to connect. and it seems that he is feeling like his life is coming undone at the seams. job, people, all sorts of things just seemed to be out of sync. i told him after he talked for awhile that it just seems to feel like the people of the world lately are off. and it's true - i do feel that way. i know that personally, my thoughts and feelings and actions have been so up and down i'm afraid that i might get motion sickness. one minute i'm doing fine, and am happy and content, and it will take one little tiny parasitic thought to throw me back into the fire again. what is happening? is it because i'm a girl, and have to deal with girl things, and girl emotions? well, i'm sure that is part of it. but it's not the whole kit and caboodle - this isn't just happening to girls. it's happening to everyone i encounter. i feel like even though people who i could pin down quite easily have lately been freakishly hard for me to read from one minute to the next.

so i shared this with him, although i don't know if it helped him at all. but for me it was helpful to know that it's spanning across states too - it isn't just my little corner of the world.

but why? why is everyone suddenly to cattywampus? what is happening to us?

i can only boil it down to fear. in the innermost core of every single human, there lies fear. and i'm not saying this because we are doing the study of Fearless at church right now... to be completely honest, i haven't fully connected with the study yet. but i know that for me, my innermost core is a tightly wound ball of fear which drives my every emotion. when i'm upset, it's fear that i will feel this way forever and never feel above water. when i'm happy, it's fear that the happy feeling won't last, or that something will burst my happy bubble. it's fear that i won't fit in, that i won't be liked or supported. it's fear that people will see me for who i am and take off, leaving me in the dust. and i don't think that i'm alone in this. it's a scary time for our country right now - and although we had some distractions like the olympics and major natural disasters - we still continue to fear the what if's. ugh. i hate the what ifs. but the are impossible to ignore, aren't they? what if a huge earthquake happens here? what if i lose my job? what if my friends stop liking me?

what if what if what if what if what if. blah blah blah. do you know what i say to those what ifs? what if we didn't have to listen to the stupid what ifs anymore? wishful thinking, i know. but it's finding a way to not buy into them that is the way to go - they will always, always surface, and we can't stop them. but it's finding a way to work with them that becomes the task.

and so, we are people afraid. and we will always be afraid unless we put our trust in things more whole-heartedly. this is something that i am trying to work on. trust in God, trust in other people, trust in ourselves. it's hard to do those things. and i think that's why we are becoming so erratic and unstable emotionally. we are trying too much to control ourselves, other people, our emotions. we are not just letting it take its natural course. it's the fighting that we do with ourselves on a minute to minute basis that makes us so up and down all of the time.

okay, i'm off that soapbox. although i may have fallen off at some point. bear with me.

and now, to my next point...

this friend that I speak of has been an amazing friend for a long time now. we were just talking awhile back about how crazy it is that we've been friends for so many years now. he is an amazing guy, and a wonderful friend. he has been the force behind getting me to do things that i never thought i was capable of, and encouraging me all the way. and a few years ago, this friend gave his life over to God. his reasons were noble, and filled with nothing but love and honor. and i saw the change in him as he went further and further into his relationship with God and the path that they walked together.

i sometimes find it hard to talk about God. i know, that's crazy, considering that i am a youth director and am essentially paid to talk about God. but ask me to explain my thoughts and feelings about God to another human being, face to face or even just voice to voice, and it's hard. it's even hard for me to type out, but it's easier. when it comes to intimate discussions about God, i get a little bit like a person afraid of blood around a skinned knee. if i walk away from it, i'm okay, but if i have to sit and stare at it- or heaven forbid TOUCH it - i get uncomfortable. why is that? i don't know. but i'm trying to get better about it. however, i found myself in this same predicament when i was on the phone with said friend last week. after telling me about how things in his world and people in his world seem to be acting strangly, and are a little off, he then said that he is struggling with God a little bit. so what did i do? i saw the skinned knee and i walked away - focusing more on the craziness of people in the world nowadays than one of the intimate and personal issues that he graced my ears with.

after getting off of the phone, i was flooded with things that i wanted to say to him. i was filled with amazing responses, and sweet things to say to make him feel better. but instead of picking up the phone and telling him voice to voice (in my defense, there was a time difference and he was going to sleep!), i sat and thought about it more. and in this instance, i think that it really helped. what do you do when someone that you love tells you that they feel like they have been having a one-sided conversation/relationship with God since they decided to embark on this great adventure of faith? listen. pray. think. encourage. just be there. help them to know that everyone has gone through the same thing, probably repeated times in their life.

and so i say this to you, dear friend, and to anyone who may be feeling as if they have been yammering on the phone to God for a few minutes until they realize that the call has been disconnected -- it's never one sided. your side is also God's side. you are not your own person anymore. God has taken over your heart and soul and mind and body - you are his creation, and his warrior. you are not talking to him with no response - you ARE Him. you were made in his own image, and therefore all of your thoughts/words/feelings/emotions do not fall on deaf ears. you cannot stand and look at yourself in a mirror without seeing your facial expressions, and seeing and hearing your mouth form words. you cannot get away from you. and in this way, you cannot get away from God.

now you may feel like saying "but Mandy - I seriously just don't feel like I have heard anything from God." and i counter with this point -why did you become a Christian in the first place? this is not said in a bratty, snarky tone - this is said at face value. think about it. you became a Christian. you gave your life over to Christ. obviously he has not been ignoring you all of this time. he whispered to you to surrender and fully rely on him, and you did. that brought you here. so you HAVE heard from God. you wouldn't be where you were right now if that wasn't the truth.

all of us experience that feeling of feeling like we don't matter. like our words are falling on deaf ears, or no ears at all. like everything that we do, for the person that we do it for, goes unnoticed. but how can it, when you continue to be able to live for God? we all know that our paths do not become smooth and clear when we begin our relationship with God. we aren't given a get out of suffering and chaos card. we have to endure along with everyone else in the world. but knowing that we are enduring for a higher power, and for a bigger picture makes it so worth it.

i say this to you, my amazing friend, who can make me laugh harder than those i know - through you, God reaches people. God speaks to you when you get on stage and make others laugh. God speaks to you and through you when dealing with crazy college students. God is with you as you struggle to find your next step on this moving escalator of life. He won't place your foot for you, but he will gently push you in the right direction. and you will know that even if you do something crazy and go in the other direction, he's going to love you and support you no matter what. God shines in everything that you do or say, even if you don't think that he does. and although you aren't getting texts and calls from him on a regular basis, just know that he is ALWAYS there. he is there through your family, through your friends, through the people that you work and improv with. so if you ever feel that you are in a one-sided relationship with him again, and you will, remember that just being IN a relationship with him is proof that it's not one-sided, has never been, and never will be.

i will leave you with one of my favorite worship songs that just popped into my head as i was writing this. it goes like this:

"your love is amazing, steady and unchanging, your love is a mountain, firm beneath my feet. your love is a mystery, how you gently lift me, when i am surrounded, your love carries me. hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, your love makes me sing."

this song is mindblowing enough at face value - a worship song dedicated to a God most high. but try, if you will, to picture our majestic God singing this song to YOU. picture it, if you can. the one who deserves all of our love and praise, feels the same way about what you do for Him.

you are God's song of praise. and he will never stop singing. and every day that you are alive, you are returning the favor. keep on singing....

...chasing - what, exactly?...

2010-01-05T23:37:00.000-08:00

it's been some time, and i apologize for that. but please allow me the courtesy of straying from the previous format that i have been undergoing, and allow me to just... pour out the thoughts thatarejumbledintomybrainlikethisrightnow.

do you know that scene in the little rascals movie (love!) where the duck has a dollar tied to it, and the kids go scrambling after it? that's me right now. and i honestly just realized it. sad, isn't it? right in the middle of "i've got a dollar, i've got a dollar, i've got a dollar hey hey hey hey" song and dance routine - BAM! right upside the head. i'm chasing the stupidest stuff.

okay, it's not stupid. the things that i am craving and chasing like a madwoman are important things. but the faster i go towards them, the faster the duck goes running and the dollar goes with it. i used to think that i was standing still while others are moving. now i think that i'm moving at a weird and jerky motion while everyone else is smoothly gliding along.

it is no secret that i am so ridiculously desiring to be in love. i have been for a long time. never having been in love makes it even worse. some people say that it's better to never love than to have loved and lost, but at this point in the game, i think i'd go the opposite. i want to be in love so bad that i overthink everything in the romance department. i overanalyze, am too needy and pushy, and generally just annoy the crap out of myself and others. and i realized today, after sliding into a super weird funk, that i'm chasing love the totally wrong areas. i am chasing love in a place that i chased love in years ago. and if love didn't stop and let me catch up there and then, why would it do so now? maybe i'm thinking that it will just get tired and stop for a rest, and then BOOM! the dollar is mine. who knows? whatever i'm thinking, it's jumbled, and not right. my good friends keep telling me that someone is out there for me, and that he is amazing. and that is completely awesome to hear from them. but could he get here already? could he at least make himself known? if i am so great, then why hasn't he found me yet? i know, i know, that is the way life goes, and it will happen eventually... we all know that i'm not the most patient person, though. maybe this is god's way of putting that to the test. but honestly, god, if you keep messing with my patience, how am i going to know when it really ends up happening?

so that being said, i decided tonight that being blinded by feelings that i have had before, or think i have now, sucks. and i need to stop doing it. i've done it to myself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over (get it?) again throughout my entire life. and i don't want to do it anymore, because it just ends up with me being emo, and wishy washy, and allowing myself to see things with rose colored glasses.

so, if you're keeping count, we're not dealing with the flutter of a dollar bill anymore. that duck is jangling away with 3 quarters...

the next thing that i realized i'm chasing is not a bad thing. but the way that i'm handling it/reacting to it is a bad thing. as some of you (again, assuming i have readers!) know, about a year ago, i had lost almost 60 pounds. seeing that number written out makes me feel really, really proud. but at the same time, it makes me feel a little crappy because some of it is back. to date, i'm about 30 pounds down from where i began. and where i began was "i feel like crap about myself-ville." and although i'm not currently living there anymore, i will admit that i still keep a vacation home there. and i've found myself there a lot lately. so i'm getting myself back on track - which is good, yay! i went on a great walk tonight to get the party started, and then found myself sitting at a bus stop watching the world around me. suddenly, i realized that i was staring at a lamppost across the street. but staring at the lampost, i realized that it's great to want to feel great about yourself. but it's not great to make yourself feel like crap about yourself until you do something about it. case in point - i was walking along briskly, feeling good and super warm in my awesome danskin thermal layer shirt, and i suddenly thought about how i hate how i look when i walk quickly, and how if i only was skinnier blabbity bloobloobloobityblah... and because i started feeling badly, i started walking faster. when i realized this while watching the lamppost though (don't ask why a lamppost. it was there, and it was fascinating. see picture above for real, in the moment picture.), i stood up, and starting belting along with my ipod. i didn't care if there were other walkers, or if people had their windows down in their car. music is my happy place, and so i decided i'd much rather vacay in my happy place than in previously mentioned, worst vacation spot ever. and i decided that i need to start thinking more positively. i am who i am - god made me this way. and if i want to change anything, i have to do it, with my own permission and willpower, and with him. so while chasing my goals and physical fitness isn't a bad thing, i'm going to chase them in a much more positive way. i'm going to put in the effort on all accounts, and get myself back to where i was before, and even further. because i felt good, looked good, and was just damn proud of myself for accomplishing what i had.

that 50 cents is starting to sound a little piddly on the back of that duck, isn't it?

the next thing that i realized that i'm chasing is material CRAP. yes. crap. i desperately want/crave/"need"/desire something new all of the time. i want a brand new camera, when i have three awesome ones. i want a new, cute place to live, when i have an amazing apartment and (for the time being) a great roommate. i want a new this, i want a new that, same old same old. i decided tonight that i need to pay off the stuff that i have still hanging out there (tickets, les schwab bill), before i start craving shiny new things. and then my first priority is a car. i know i've said this before, but it has to happen. the she hulk is not going to be around much longer, at least in working condition, and i need to be smart before it's too late. so i'm trying to stop chasing the new and shiny, i guess. because i'm pretty darn okay with all that i have now, and i'd better stop being so darn unappreciative of it.

so i guess, if you must, you could say that these are my new year's resolutions. do not chase the things that i want, rather work steadily towards becoming a better person, and the things that i want/need will follow. if i need it, it will happen. if i work, it will be achieved. if i think i need it so badly, i will have to put in some effort. it's going to take a lot of work, but i think that 2010 is a good year for a lot of work.

... so the poor little duck is left with one measly quarter tied to its little tail. that hardly seems worth chasing after, doesn't it? i will just leave it alone. the duck can have it...

although that could get me a gumball... hmm...

love, love, love!

...blocks and lion king and chocolate milk - oh my!...

2009-11-15T16:00:00.000-08:00

i have a lot of things that are in my head today. it feels like a rock tumbler. all of these ugly rocks are going in and tumbling ferociously around, and hopefully i will end up with some smooth and polished stones. i guess you will be the judge of that...

i am currently sitting at global bean (if you know me at all you know that i am here a lot.) playing online and listening to some amazing music. you know it's good when you find yourself tapping your foot and moving your head in time to the music, not even caring that people can see you and might think that you are a weirdo. i found myself doing this in church today too. jim threw in some drums on the after-communion jam, and i totally got swept up in it and got carried away into happy mandy music land. it's a great place to be - and very cheap to travel to if you are ever considering a quick vacation.

but here at global bean is the coolest person that i have seen in a long time.

the person in question is a little boy, probably 3-4 years old. he is wearing a bright blue lion king sweatshirt/sweatpants combo, and has a super adorable little blond bowl cut. his father is at a table working on the computer, and the little boy has his very own table strictly for his work - building towers of blocks. on his office desk is also what appears to be chocolate milk, a part of a cookie, and a spiderman figure (that he has spoken to a few times already.)

this kid is awesome.

and even though i have my headphones in, i can just tell that he is so amazingly full of life and enthusiasm for what he is doing. he reminds me of a little boy version of me, rocking out to my music even though i'm in public. why should i let being in a public place detour me from letting what is coming out of my heart and soul? (i draw the line at singing out loud. most of the time. sometimes it just happens and i don't realize it. i will definitely hum, though.)...

i don't know why i think this kid is so awesome. there could be several reasons for it:

1.) I want to be married and have kids so badly. I feel like everywhere I go, there are adorable kids and couples.

2.) He is just living his life, doing what he wants, and having a blast doing it.

3.) He is just plain awesome.

I think it's all three.

(it should be noted that as I wrote this, the boy literally did a barrel roll and fell off of his chair, taking some of his towers with him. he appears to be fine. he's back to work. that's just how awesome he is!)

I was watching him and his dad, and it made me think of Jesus and God. His dad is like God - he is at a table, doing his work. He appears to be official, making sure that things are running smoothly. And next to him, at a table, playing with Legos and doing barrel-rolls, is Jesus. While God stayed in heaven and make sure that things went the way as planned, Jesus was down on earth with his sleeves rolled up, being as hands on as they come. Jesus got to do the fun stuff - he got to hang out with thieves, and the sick, and homeless, and heal them, listen to them, comfort them, give them hope. He was building the block towers, and recovering them when they crashed. But who gave him the Legos? His dad did. He took the Legos that his Father gave him, and created new worlds and followers with them.

And when he barrel rolled out of his chair? God was right there, holding him and reminding him that he was strong and would be okay. I imagine this is what a present day version of Jesus asking God to let the cup pass from him could possibly look like. Could he, would he, die for those Lego towers that he had created? And where would Spiderman fit in? And could have have another cookie please?

I can definitely picture God like this dad. He is sitting with his leg crossed, working quietly and letting his son just do his own thing. That doesn't mean he is ignoring him. His eyes are always looking at the boy, flitting between him and his Lego building, and his own work. He knows what he's doing. Just like God knew. God knew that even though he could have sent himself down to die for our sins, and even though he knew how hard it would be to watch Jesus go through what he did, he had to do it. He had to give him the Legos and the chocolate milk and let him do what had to be done. All the while he was toiling away, making sure that the path would be clear for him to do what he needed to do. He wasn't smoothing the path - he couldn't do that for him. Just as this father can't strap the boy into the chair and cover all of the corners of the Legos, God didn't do that for Jesus. Being a kid is messy. It's hard to do. It's harder than we remember. Looking at a child now makesnk "man, I wish I was a kid still!" But how often when I was growing up did I think "argh, I wish I was a grown up!!!". And why? So I could drive and be in love and do what I wanted without having to ask permission? Wow. How exciting!

I would so much rather be building Lego towers and playing with Spiderman than transcribing a hearing. I have come to the realization that I am jealous of this boy. Oh, to be a kid again and see things like kids did. To see things like Jesus did. To see the possibilities in every single thing and person like I used to would be ideal at this point in my life.

In a life full of "what's the point?" and "what's in it for me?", wouldn't it be great to be able to say confidently "to have fun!", and "everything, but nothing at the same time!" in response?

And now, the boy is sitting at his father's feet, building a Lego train. Just as I'm sure Jesus might have done if he had been a 4 year old boy in Lion King clothes after he had died for all of mankind. There would be no place to feel safer and more loved. As long as there were Legos to build with, or people to touch and teach, I would say that both this boy and Jesus would be content. One is able to look back at the task that he had taken on for 33 years of his life, and know that his father sent him to earth for an amazing and GREAT purpose. And the other is able to know that for right now, nothing else matters but this moment. Keep the Legos coming, and he will be perfectly happy to be in the moment.

My goal? To learn to be in the moment - even without Legos. With so many moments in day, that gives me a lot of practice!

love, love, love

a quick p.s.: this little boy's awesome levels just sky-rocketed. he went to the bathroom with his dad, and when he came back, he was air-guitaring. i want to be this kid's best friend!

... when does waiting and watching become creepy?...

2009-11-04T17:50:00.000-08:00

i am on a kick of formulating some opinions and cohesive thoughts on the subject of waiting and watching. there are a few reasons for this... one being that the theme seems to constantly be coming up in my life lately. and the second being that i am giving the sermon at church on november 29 and have been swirling around with some ways of attacking the first sunday of advent. this has started becoming a breeding ground for my crazy thoughts, and it just so happens that i wrote the post a few weeks back about waiting and watching BEFORE this task was assigned to me. i am THAT good. :) or maybe it's just a topic that seems dear to my heart? i think a good combination of both. don't worry - this won't be a giant spoiler center, so you can still feel free to come listen to my sermon and be delighted and surprised. the crowd will go wild, i assure you. and if they don't, i will give you a hug. which will actually be my own way of getting a hug, because i will need it from the lack of crowd going wildness.

where is my brain going? focus, mandy, focus! there was a reason that you started this blog...

oh! right. waiting. and watching.

on the way here to the church tonight, as i was leaving job number one for the day, i saw something very sweet. something that completely embodied the concept of waiting and watching. i was warming my car up, and saw what i thought was a man and a woman walking together to their cars at the end of the day. they exchanged some niceties, and then the woman walked to her car. as i watched, the man that had accompanied her simply waited for her to make it to her car and back out of the parking lot, and then he went back inside.

i know what you're thinking - this might be the point that waiting and watching becomes creepy. but that was so completely not the case here. as i watched it unfold, the realization that the man was simply watching to make sure that the woman was safe hit me. wow... talk about a true gentleman! it is not super warm outside right now, and this man took a few minutes out of his work time to make sure that this woman got to her car safely. our parking lot is not treacherous by any means, and it was not pitch black outside. but the idea that he was waiting and watching purely for the safety of this woman blew me away.

why aren't there more people like that in the world? maybe there are, and i'm just not seeing them. maybe all of those people arrested for stalking are misunderstood. ok, but then again, probably not. there is a line between healthy watching and waiting and unhealthy waiting and watching, and this man was nowhere near that line.

when you step back outside of yourself and watch yourself go about your day, sometimes you are luckily to see an actual person standing waiting and watching for you. sometimes it's your spouse, or your friend, who makes sure you are safe and everything is okay before going inside, or driving off themselves. sometimes it's your mom or your child waiting at the front window for you to pull up, because they are so excited to see you, and also a little bit afraid deep down (we all do this!) that something has happened to you. even if you aren't late. i hear fire trucks and sirens and my heart stops for a second, thinking "what if this one time it's someone that i love??". i known it's weird and irrational, but i know that i am nowhere near alone in thinking these things. if you are a mom, i know that it's about a million times worse for you. and a dad. but we are constantly on edge as humans, afraid that something is going to jeoparodize the health and happiness of the other humans that we love.

so why don't more of us have people watching us and waiting until we are safe before going inside?

we do.

we are not only priviledged enough to have people in our lives that care so deeply for us that they would do this in a heartbeat if they didn't think that we thought it was weird, or without hesitation without us even needing to ask. but God is always doing this. he is always standing and making sure we get into the car and drive off safe. he is making sure that we arrive home safe. he is making sure that we get across a store safely (some of us have problems with this sometimes. sales and people can be a crazy combination.), he is making sure that we get from place to place as safely as we can. he's our copilot, our GPS device, our music we listen to, our cell phone. he keeps us connected to the right places, which just so happen to end up pointing back to him.

there are instances in which we aren't safe. and even though it may not seem like it, he is there. we may be in physical danger, and the idea of God watching it all happen and not stepping in feels terrible to bear. but he is always there, and he is always coming to us in some way. we may have our hearts broken by a love, friend, family member, etc. and God is there, waiting and watching for what we may need. because let's be honest - in situations where we have lost control of ourselves physically, emotionally, mentally, do we even know what it is we want? have you ever had a fight with someone and wanted to talk it out, but the next time that you fought you just wanted time alone? we are constantly and cleverly changing our minds and thoughts and reactions. and although God is one step ahead of us usually, sometimes it's hard to know what the next step is going to be that we take. we have lots of choices for possible next steps, and we don't really know which one we will choose. and i don't know if God does either. this could be a point to argue, but that's just one girl's thoughts...

so what is my point here? i forgot. hahaha... i know, i'm terrible.

i guess my point was this: although i watched this man watch and wait for the woman's safety, and it looked very romantic and chilavrous and sweet, i found myself remembering that i always have someone doing this for me. we all do. and not in the creepy way. in the "i love you so much that nothing else in the world stops me from watching you and making sure that you are safe and happy. so there."

so there indeed. i will accept that kind of love any day. thank you, God. you are the only person in the WORLD that could be accused of stalking someone - in a good way.

love love love!!!

...hunger pangs...

2009-10-27T14:18:00.000-07:00

this morning, i was treated to a homemade orange scone and a latte. how exciting! it is rare anymore that i get myself breakfast, so this was a nice little wake up. the scone was delicious (did i mention it was homemade??) and the skinny caramel latte was the perfect pairing to it.

so fast forward about four hours later, and i'm starving. okay, i'm not starving... but i was definitely hearing the tummy talking, and my brain was saying "okay, mandy, you need some food."

i have been eating very spordadically lately. it's not necessarily on purpose. but money and schedules and time are all playing a part in the erract eating. like i said, not on purpose, and definitely not healthy. i know all of these things though. so why don't i do anything to change it?

i heated up some yummy food and sat down to eat it, and was overwhelmed with how great it tasted. it's funny - i won't eat all day, then when i do eat i think "wow. this is amazing. i should have done this hours ago."

now i'm not saying that i don't like eating. if you've seen me, you know that food and i must be close friends. and about a year or so ago, i decided to do something about it, and ended up losing 55 pounds. which was awesome. this may be where the weird food witholding thing comes into play.

but to be honest, i know that the biggest culprit is TIME. and a crazy schedule. but eating is one of the necessary things that our bodies literally require us to do in life - so why don't i take the time to do it when i should? why do we, as americans, withhold things like food from ourselves, yet there are people who cannot even have one decent meal?

my conclusion is this: it's not just food we are hungry for.

you're thinking - well duh, mandy. we are hungry for beauty, for acceptance, for love, for self-worth.

and believe it or not, there is something that we can have that will not only fill us up, but is very healthy and will provide all of the things that we seek.

you're probably thinking - did i see this informercial? didn't this ad come up when i was checking my junk mail? it's probably not even safe to use.

well hold on to your hats, friends - the answer to all of those questions, except the last one (which technically was a statement, thankyouverymuch), is NO. this one is going to blow you away...

what are we so hungry for?
GOD.

it's true. bet you didn't see that coming, did you? if you know me at all, you were probably thinking my answer would be cheese.... (quick cheese daydream here)... but no. we are, we always have been, and always will be hungry for connection with God.

no other relationship that we have will bring all of those things that we crave so deeply. no other relationship will bring us beauty, confidence, self-worth, acceptance, etc. this is the one connection that can never be broken. it's the one relationship that will not end over a mean word, an un-returned phone call, abuse, alcoholism, infidelity. nothing we can do will ever make God think that we are ugly, annoying, stupid, etc. name one reason why a relationship that you have had (romantically and just any kind) ended, and that will never be on the list for a reason why God will break up with you.

and that is simply because of this: God will not break up with you. ever. Not via text, e-mail, phone, person, skywriting, anything. he's not gonna do it. why would he want to? why would he want to make you exactly how you are, and then decide you're not good enough for him? see? how silly. it's just not gonna happen.

so when we hunger for all of these things that just seem so out of our reach, we're not really hungering for those things. we're hungering for a deeper relationship with God. i know that i am. and it's just like the eating regularly thing... i know it's good for me, i know i need to do it, but i still don't get the lengths that i should sometimes to obtain it. call it lazy, call is busy, whatever it is - it's silly.

i have a lot of amazing friends in my life. i have friends that i go to for certain things. i have friends that i can always rely on for making me laugh, friends that i can cry with, friends that i can walk with, drive with, play with, etc. some of these friends have been in my life for a looooooong time. some of them have been in my life for not so long of a time. and every single one of them plays a huge part in my life. whether it's the friend who gets that obscure reference that i just made, or the friend that will just sit with me in silence, staring at the wall, they are all tangible friends that i can see and talk to face to face. maybe that is why it's hard to reach out for God when i need something to fill me up. i can't just call him and see him in 5 minutes. we can't sit on the couch side by side and drink tea together. going for the tangible when it comes to anything is so much simpler. real live friends and real live food can be so much more fun than spiritual food and the friendship of God. but when it comes to the end of the day, the friends have left and the food has burned off. and what am i left with? that hunger again. so what do i do to fill it? okay, the real answer is what can i do to fill it?

pick up the bible. pick up one of the awesome books that i am reading that are about people in love with jesus. pray. listen to some jesus jams. go for a walk and revel in god's amazing creation. light a candle and think about how awesome it is that God gave us the ability to have such beautiful things in our life.

so these are the "snacks" that i can have when i get hungry for something. because as much as i want to say that i'm hungry for love, or acceptance, i'm only going to satisfy those hungers by filling myself up with God. so then it would make sense that i should feed those hungers, right? note to self: fill yourself with God and not with other useless junk. because nothing is going to come close to filling you up like the love of and for God.

and to think, all of this started with a scone...

...watching and waiting...

2009-10-17T13:50:00.000-07:00

this morning i noticed myself doing two things, sitting here at global bean.

waiting.

and

watching.

waiting for what, you say? my computer to actually wake up and start working. and my delicious tea to steep (it did. it was amazing as anticipated - see picture).

and watching the rain come down in a diagonal fashion and the clouds move at a crazy fast pace.

it lead me to notice that the outside world that i was watching was moving in a much more rapid fashion than the inside world that i was safely inside. fascinating discovery, no? what does that mean for me? i sit here and watch the world move quickly while i sit and wait. and wait. and wait. sure, i get some yummy tea and access to the internet as a reward, but still - what am i waiting for?

what a great question. a question that pops into my brain at least once a day in some fashion. sometimes on small scales, like in traffic or in line at the store, or when i space out for a few minutes staring at nothing. and sometimes on bigger scale items, like traveling, getting married, rearranging my life a little. it's a constant mantra of mine - "mandy, what are you waiting for?" while the whole world, and all of my friends seem to be moving in fast paced strides, like today's clouds and rain, i seem to be sitting inside myself waiting for my tea to steep. well, the tea has steeped - get GOING!

Psalm 37:14 says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the treasures of your heart."

Is that what I am doing? Am I waiting for the treasures of my heart? I think I might be. So that means that perhaps I need to be delighting myself more in God's grace and Love. This verse doesn't say that if you love and follow God's every command, you will get a million dollars or a trophy husband (well darnit.). It is saying that if you are truly delighting in the Lord - if every inch and centimeter and atom of your body are living for Him and filled with his joy, then the desires of your heart will already be fulfilled. They will be different desires than they were before. So maybe I am not waiting for something. Maybe I am waiting for someone - ME. I am waiting to get myself totally in gear, and then things will move for me. Doors and windows will open up that I did not even realize were there, or had never considered going through. The things that I am waiting for now, or think that I am missing out on will either show up in some way, or will not matter to me anymore.

I want to be one of those people who is crazy in Love with Jesus. I think about that life constantly and what it would be like. I am reading some books lately that are written by people madly, deepy, crazily in love with Jesus and what he taught us, and still teaches us today. Please do not misinterpret what I am saying - I love Jesus. So much. But there is a difference between loving God, and being in love with God. and the further I go in my Jesus-love journey, and the more people that I meet or read about, I realize there is a huge chasm between the two ways to love Jesus. And taking the leap over that chasm can be intimidating, and scary, and something that some people can never do. I guess a part of me is a little afraid that I will try to make that leap, and fall into it in the most bumbling, awkward fashion, and then spend the rest of my life trying to climb back out just to start all over again.

All waiting does for me is build tension and anxiety. I am not an excited waiter. I don't like to really harness the feeling, like some people do. For some people, the buildup to things is almost as exciting as the things themselves. Not for Mandy. I am a get it done kind of girl, because I want the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I need to learn to be a person who enjoys the build up just as much as the event, activity, thought, action, itself. It's going to take a lot of work. And a lot of patience that I don't always have. Luckily God is always giving me tests of patience, so hopefully I will build up a great patience callous. And while I am building it up, I will try to enjoy the process.

So I go back to waiting and watching now. The sun is coming out, the rain is gone, and now the wind is picking up. But now inside, my tea has steeped and has been consumed, the computer is up to speed, and I'm getting ready to shut down and venture outside. When I do, I will take a few minutes to stand and feel the wind hit me. And know that I am waiting. But I am waiting for a great reason, and I am building up to a new version of Mandy. And as I build up to it, I'm going to love every tea-filled moment of the journey.

Love, love, love... -Mandy

... holding fast ...

2009-10-11T15:50:00.000-07:00

yesterday at the grocery store, i saw a cute site that i took note of, filed away, and then did not remember until this morning when driving to the coffee shop that i am sitting at. i started getting an aching throat last night, and i woke up with a full-fledged dragon throat, and thus went back to sleep. so yes, gasp, i missed church. which stinks. i hate missing church. that's when you know that you love a place - when it stinks to have to miss going to it. :( but anyhoo, as i drove to the coffee shop with thoughts of having some tea and my flushed cheeks, i remembered the little stolen moment that i peaked at:

i went to leave the store, and saw a little old couple pusing the same cart. it was one of those little carts, not the full sized ones. and i have seen lots of people push carts at the same time... but usually it is a mom who is trying to wrangle the cart away from her child, or it is a husband begrudgingly taking the reigns from his wife to push the heavy cart. this instance, however, was heavily laiden with pure contentment. there was no struggle for one to take over the pushing of the cart. it was simply two little old people, walking side by side pushing the cart together, chatting quietly. there wasn't one person directing the cart, they were both following the same path with ease and quiet conversation.

the more that i thought about this moment that i witnessed, the more i thought about jesus. i know, strange to think about an old couple pushing a cart and then think of God's son. but i did. and bear with me here, for my theologies and thoughts on God are still constantly forming on a minute to minute basis. and what might sound put together and well formed in my own head may sound like gobbly-gook and the thoughts of a crazy person to others. i am not always concious of capitalizing mentions of God, and apologize that my mind does not automatically push the shift buttons when making references to the big guy himself. but i think that is what makes having a personal God so great. He is different to all of us. To some, He is a backseat driver, giving them pointers on the drive of life. To others, He can be a parent that they are afraid to face after sneaking out one night. And to others, He can be a comfortable partner pushing the shopping cart with them.

God does not fight to aggressively take direction of our lives. He does not come alongside us and wrestle the cart out of our grasp. God stands next to us, and while we sometimes don't even realize it, gently places his hands alongside ours and begins to push with us. Some of us may not even notice his presence outright. We may think that we are pushing the cart where we want, following our own blind desires, but he is always there. And there are times when we are in conscious, quiet conversation with him, as at ease as we are are when talking to a best friend, or even not talking to a best friend. Sometimes he is quietly talking to us, and we may not have our ears tuned in to what he is saying.

I guess the point of this rambling is that He is with us in all of our life's missions. and i am not talking only on the big missions. i am talking the small, everyday missions, such as grocery shopping, taking a test, driving across town. he takes the form of a passenger in your car, or even your GPS device. he is pushing the cart with you. he is that voice in your brain as you take your test encouraging you, and telling you that you are made for great things.

one of my favorite songs ever made is a song by Jars of Clay (love them!), called "Love Song for a Saviour." And one of the best lines in this song says "He's more than the laughter, or the stars in the heavens. As close as a heartbeat or a song on her lips. Someday she'll trust him, and learn how to see him. Someday he'll call her and she will come running. Fall in his arms, the tears will fall down and she'll pray, I want to fall in love with you..."

That is such a beautiful image. We can tell people that we see God in everything - but do we really mean it? Do we look at every single thing around us and see evidence of a powerful and loving creator? Around me now, I can see a tea mug, fake flowers, my cell phone, halloween skeleton decals, and bottles of soda and water. Do I look at all of these things and see glimpses of God? Could I prioritize them into what is the most God-like and what is not? I can't. Because my glasses are still slightly fuzzy when it comes to being able to see the God in everything. And I can admit that, because it it something that I have thought of for a long time. Could I see the God in my tea mug because it helped soothe my sore throat? Where is the God in the halloween skeleton decals? He is there somewhere, I just need to adjust my eyes to see it.

My mind is a bit of a wanderer, and if you are reading this, I give you kudos for attemping to get lost with it. It's not an easy task. But the idea of God, and of loving him with all abandon is something that I am thinking about constantly. It's hard to put a box around something so huge and awe-inspiring. And usually I am not the kind that has to put things into boxes. But for some reason, when it comes to the one major thing that cannot be put into one, I constantly try to. I need to throw away my boxes (or just hide them away somewhere else for when I need to pack away self-depricating or negative thoughts). I have never fallen with complete abandon into anything. Ever. School. Work. Family. Relationships. Nothing. And that is something that I need to work on. So you think that I could start by falling with complete abandon into my relationship with God. It would seem the most logical. The safest one to fall into. It's not like God is going to fire me, or stop returning my phone calls, or give me a bad grade. But there is a small part of Mandy that is afraid that he may do that someday. Like I said, I am forming my Christian life and faith as every minute goes by. So although this may seem like something slightly shocking or crazy to hear from someone employed to lead people along their path with God, I think it's perfectly normal. There is not one person that has their faith completely all together. I fully believe that. I believe that the only person to every constantly have complete abandon to their relationship with God was Jesus. And we all know that we cannot be Jesus. We can, however, treat others how he did, and try to form our relationship with God after his relationship with his Father. Sometimes he can be like the big brother who can do nothing wrong - but in this case, his doing nothing wrong gave us the most amazing path to follow.... All we have to do is realize that God is right next to us, with his hands gently on the shopping cart, gently guiding and taking the journey with us.

Because God would not ask us to do something that he didn't think that we were capable of... and that includes grocery shopping. :)

Thanks for reading...

Love love love - Mandy

a snowballing effect...

2009-10-09T11:52:00.001-07:00

this is my new blog. well, that is painstakingly obvious, isn't it? but this blog is special. (see, little blog, you are special too! just like your mommy blog always told you)... this blog is a place for me to collect my thoughts into piles and jump right into them, just like leaves (hence the title.) I am also welcoming others to do the same thing. So if you read something and have your own thoughts to add to the pile, don't hesitate to do so! The material in question that this blog will be referring to will be my Christian life, and thoughts surrounding the Christian life in general. If there is a topic that you would like me to discuss or hear my thoughts on, please let me know!

Okay, the first one is just short, sweet, and to the point. That is about as short as you will get with me - I am a champion rambler! You will soon see, my friends!

Love to the third degree... Mandy